Love and Money
I glanced behind me at the supermarket checkout the other day (ok, I have a habit of looking at what other people put in their trolleys) and the bloke behind me was unpacking a trolley full of home brand and discount bulk items. I thought “Ah, a like minded shopper.”
It got me thinking about how we find partners who are financially compatible (did I mention he was also tall, dark and …) Of course, there are many values that should be considered when finding a life long partner, but with money cited as being the number one reason for divorce, should we be looking for a frugal partner right from the first date?
I never thought about financial compatibility when dating DH. In fact, if you had asked me what I was looking for in a fella, non-smoker would probably have been the only thing on my list. It just happened that we’re pretty much on the same page when it comes to money. Actually, he’s probably more frugal than I am. And our differences often provide a balance that would have otherwise been lacking.
So, it’s probably not cool to interrogate a person about their finances and money values on the first date. But if you’re engaged and ready to march down the aisle, it’s a good idea to discuss your ideas on money before the cake is eaten.
When it comes to dating, I can only think of two things that you should do to find that compatible someone. These tips are relevant for other values besides finances so maybe they’re just ‘common sense’.
1. Take notice of the person that you’re dating
Spending time with a person in different circumstances and taking note of how they act (and react), their likes and dislikes, what they say and what they spend their money on can give you a pretty good indication of what kind of person they are and if their values are a match with yours.
The first holiday DH and I had was a driving/camping trip up the east coast of Australia. If I had said I want to go to lie around some beach resort, or if he had said I want to go skiing in Canada, maybe things would have turned out different. As it was, our idea of a great holiday was the same and it happened to reflect our money values (and budget) also.
2. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not
We all want to impress our dates. But pretending to be someone that you’re not isn’t the key to a life long partnership. It’s tiring and depressing, and you end up cheating yourself. If your idea of the perfect date is fish and chips on the beach, don’t go to a fancy restaurant just because it’s the ‘done’ thing. Stay true to who you are. If your date thinks that anything less than diamonds is stingy, then it’s probably not meant to be. I’m not saying never go out somewhere pricey, just be yourself. And if dating is eating into your financial goals, mention that, and suggest a more frugal alternative. Communicating honestly is what a good relationship is all about.
Do you think finances are an important consideration when dating? How would you tell if you’re financially compatible?
Have you read these posts?
SAVE MONEY AND TIME ON THE GROCERIES
Don’t think its really something that is considered when dating! But it is something that can make a relationship fall apart so maybe it should be. My DH is a fairly modest spender and I was a bit more lavish than him! I am the family CFO now so I am much more frugal than I was and getting better everyday – I think!
Just a question off topic – How much longer do you have to go? Have you got everything ready?
Hi Lisa,
It wasn’t something that I considered at all when dating! I just got lucky that we are both pretty frugal. In retrospect, I think it’s good to know these things before you’re married and paying off a mortgage together. On the other hand, I think that some of my single friends way overthink ‘is he right or isn’t he?’ and end up not giving the poor fellas a chance!
I’m due in a week, but I have a strong feeling I’ll be later than that. I try to tell myself that nature takes its course, but the truth is that I’m more impatient than a kid at Christmas! I’m mostly ready, I haven’t packed my bag yet, and there are few more craft things that I’d like to do, like make some wipes and burp cloths – totally frivolous and unnecessary though.
Every mum-to-be is entitled to the totally frivolous and unnecessary! Lol! Hope all goes well, I went over with both of mine so I know what that horrid wait is like!
I actually did take this into account when my partner & I were first dating – I was tired of unemployed/underemployed partners, but at the same time I wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with a stingy/ungenerous person. My partner was already paying a mortgage, so I could see how he managed his budget. We both like occasional treats, but we save for them, rather than getting into debt for them – works for me!
Hi MSbetterhome,
You were wiser than I was. I just got lucky, and I think I’ve rubbed off on DH, because now it’s him saying ‘I don’t think we should spend money on that’.
Thanks Melissa, my wisdom was the product of several years of foolishness – better late than never
Hi Melissa,
Firstly, I just wanted to say how much I love your blog! I only just came across it tonight. I live in QLD, am studying accounting & am hoping to become a Mum in the not too distant future so it looks like we have a few things in common
I really, really think being on the same page financially is extremely important. I didn’t realise it when I was dating, but as you and as others have mentioned, I also got lucky. My husband and I share the same passion for budgeting, saving and investing and I’m so glad!
We’ve only been married 3 years, but being on the same page from the beginning has meant that we’ve never fought about money (& I hope it stays that way lol). It’s so nice to know that you’re working toward a common goal and that you have each others support.
Hi Erica, thanks for taking the time to comment. It does make it so much easier if you’re both on the same page financially. I had a look at your blog – we have one more thing in common – I also love to quilt.
My boyfriend and I are pretty much on the same page as far as our thoughts regarding finances go. We are planning on getting married next year, but as it’s his second marriage and he has two children living at home, and we’re both paying mortgages he is REALLY happy to scrimp and save on EVERY aspect of it, whereas I have never been married before so I feel there are some areas I would like to splurge a bit – like my ring, dress, reception and photograher… We’ve discussed areas we could save, does anyone have any tips?
Hi Gabrielle,
I’ll put your question in a post for next week, if that’s ok with you, for people to read and give you some tips.